President: Hello Paul. Come on in and make yourself comfortable. I had no idea you were so anxious to break bread until David Brooks started whining. Figured you were too busy working on your abs and abacus. I’ve asked the chef to prepare a nice cheese soufflé in honor of your home state. And there’s a beautiful salad of early greens from Michelle’s garden.
Ryan: Is it Government Cheese?
President: You have a problem with Government Cheese?
Ryan: Hate the stuff. I had to eat it for a couple of years when my family depended on government assistance. Bound me up like a dowager’s foot. There I was in Wisconsin, home of the Cheeseheads for Ayn’s sake, eating Government Cheese. Do you know what they put in that stuff?
President: Well, yes I do Paul. Yes I do. But that program ended in the early 1990s. So the only way that the chef would be using Government Cheese is if you decide that any cheese used in the White House kitchen is Government Cheese because, well, taxpayer funds are used to support, well, the government.
Ryan: Then I don’t want it. I hate it when taxpayers have to pay for lunch. I hate it! I don’t want your stinking cheese soufflé. Who paid for those lettuce seeds, eh? Did Michelle use taxpayer funds for those? I bet they’re heirloom seeds. Stinking socialist plot to undermine ADM. Bet there’s some elitist arrugula in there too.
President: Really Paul? You’re going to go all Tea Party on me over a few packs of lettuce seeds? Don’t you realize that your salary, your retirement plan, your generous healthcare benefits and that nice House of Representatives’ gymnasium are all paid for with taxpayer funds?
Ryan: You’re being uncivil. I’m leaving. (Storms out)