The Palinpalooza Traveling Road Show and Political Action Circus has taken to the highways and byways of America this summer and as far as our fourth estate is concerned, it’s the greatest show on Earth. Last time “Alaska’s Shame” bustled about the lower 48 without bundles of ghostwritten pulp fiction awaiting her signature, Mrs. Palin was riding double-barrel shotgun (and herd) on John McCain’s “Straight Talk Express.” But three years later, the governor who quit on Alaska to become a celebrity millionaire and agent provocateur has got her own big bus and, true to Mrs. Palin’s propensity to speak gobbledygook and bullshit, the verbiage emanating from this octane-sucking carriage is not “straight talk” but “double talk.” Claiming that her foray across America is merely a “family vacation” and American history tour (which she, or yet another ghostwriter/ghost rider, is blogging for the benefit of cult members family, friends and supporters I guess) instead of a political publicity stunt speculatively aimed at reaching Iowa just ahead of that state’s presidential caucuses, this self-described paragon of “government transparency” and “ethics” (whose heavily-edited emails from her abbreviated term as Alaska’s governor are just now being released in response to numerous FOI requests since 2008) chooses not to discuss her itinerary while she opportunistically, and perhaps rudely, horns in on others’ events or how much this “family vacation” paid for by SarahPAC is costing.
I don’t know about you, but my “family vacations” are not undertaken as “a road to nowhere in particular” in a “tarted up” bus underwritten by my political action committee with members of the media slavering behind like mongrel strays after a bitch in heat whilst speculating as to whether or not my meanderings signal a 2012 Presidential run. Neither are my “vacations” timed to distract attention from a series of just-released and less-than-flattering exposés about my Nixonian temperament and duplicitous nature, including Frank Bailey’s “Blind Allegiance to Sarah Palin” (with Ken Morris and Jeanne Devon) and Geoffrey Dunn’s “The Lies of Sarah Palin.” Nor are they sorry spectacles that impose themselves uninvited onto a War Veteran’s Memorial Day event, the workload of on-route police departments and Mitt Romney’s announcement for 2012. In fact, I haven’t had the luxury of a “vacation” in years due to financial constraints and the responsibility to care for my aging, bed-ridden and Medicare-dependent mother. But maybe that’s because I’m not one of the “real Americans.” Ironically, the same woman who divided the country into “real America” and false America during the 2008 campaign and gleefully participated in “secessionist” rhetoric after the Republican’s humiliating defeat to Obama/Biden, now has the words “ONE NATION” prominently displayed on the side of her “vacation” transportation. I’ve lost count of which version of Sarah Palin it is that beckons visitors into this whacked version of the Partridge Family. Perhaps now she’s a siren with America on the rocks. I may have just named a cocktail after Mrs. Palin. Bartender, give me a Siren with America on the Rocks. I can’t think of how to make one, but it would be loud and proud. If anyone wants to suggest the ingredients of such a concoction, leave me a comment. Maybe there will be a poll, or a contest whoop-de-doo.
Not since the Merry Pranksters took to the road in “FURTHER” has a vehicle been so festooned with symbols and slogans intended to entice and evoke. In addition to the words “ONE NATION, UNDER GOD, INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY & JUSTICE FOR ALL,” this traveling billboard for David Barton-style revisionist history and Obama-bashing opportunism includes graphics of the U.S. Constitution, the Liberty Bell, the American flag, and a map of the United States. Oddly, and maychance tellingly, there is no destination sign over the bus’ front windshield. Perhaps, in yet one more crooked nod to American history, epic road trips, and her propensity to drop letters from words, revise matters to her convenience and embellish her credentials, Mrs. Palin should drop the “T” from “FURTHER,” switch the placement of the first “R” and the “H,” add an umlaut and plaster “FÜHRER” on her bus’ destination sign. Now that’s what I would call a revelation. Furthermore, in honor of Mrs. Palin’s penchant for prophecy and her confusion of the Christian Bible with the Constitution, I’d like to suggest that the crack in the Liberty Bell presaged this particular sad chapter in the story of America. Since cracked bells don’t ring true, I’d say it’s a perfect metaphor for this diminutive demagogue.
In addition to all the “Americana” represented on this maniacal mystery tour’s conveyance, there is Sarah Palin’s signature and the SarahPAC website address so that those wishing to can follow along. I’m guessing that on a subconscious level we’re supposed to equate Mrs. Palin’s “John Hancock” with the signatures on the Constitution. But as Mrs. Palin and her buddy Glenn Beck go about their Dominionist mission of “restoring” things like “honor” and “courage” at home and abroad, I’d like to remind Mrs. Palin as she blogs across the land about her travels and American history that, despite Dolly Madison’s pleadings to her husband James to “remember the ladies,” the document signed on September 17, 1787 was not one that she could have signed as women had no presence at the meetings that produced this nation’s founding document that, in turn, established no “rights” for her gender. In fact, the only folks ordained with “rights” in the document that begins “We the People” were property-owning males of European lineage. Isn’t that “exceptional.” Women in America did not obtain universal suffrage until the passage of the 19th Amendment on August 26, 1920 (almost 133 years after the Constitution was signed, and less than 100 years from our current time) through the blood, sweat and tears, not to mention protest-march-induced blisters, of a bunch of free-thinking women who suffered opprobrium, physical assault and jail for their efforts and their dreams. Frankly, I think that the Palin Does America tour has both the founding fathers and our suffragist mothers rolling, not thunder, but over in their graves. Unless that thunder be a righteous rebuttal of Mrs. Palin’s baloney.
The last bus from which Mrs. Palin greeted America had the words “Going Rogue” plastered on the side. In salute to that particular bit of skullduggery and tomfoolery, I leave you with this link to a video of Tyke, the rogue elephant that killed her trainer and gored her groomer before breaking free at a Circus International performance and wreaking havoc on Honolulu, Hawaii on August 20, 1994. This video is included to illustrate the damage and lawlessness of which rogue elephants are capable. It is not intended to suggest that Tyke’s demise should be Mrs. Palin’s. My preference for Tyke would have been that she be brought down with tranquilizers, released from the circus, and sent off to live happily ever after in the wild. Come to think of it, that is my preference for Mrs. Palin too. Perhaps India is willing to host her again as it is still doubtful that she knows much about Africa. I suggest a nice spot near Wagah on the India/Pakistan border. That way she can keep her eye on another one of America’s fickled allies.